My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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