I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
