Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
