HIV tests are more positive than that guy
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
