Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
