Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
