if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
