I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
