i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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