Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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