I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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