i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
