Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
