Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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