Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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