eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
