um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
