He kissed a someone with a penis
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
And the cops told us we were all naked.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am one with the molecules
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
