i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
