We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
