The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
