You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I want a musical about memes.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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