I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
