His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
