Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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