Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
