I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
