I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
