dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
