Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We're using joints as your birthday candles
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
