I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wish I only lived at night.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
