the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
