Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My liver just had a heart attack.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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