the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
