You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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