So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
