How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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