I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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