My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
