allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
this is an emotional support booty call
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
