I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
