I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
