how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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