I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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