my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
