I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
