Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
