life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
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