2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
