i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
