I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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