I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
