He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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