you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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