He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
